Cowboy Boots
by Jayeliwood
Summary: Emmett's POV. For a challenge. The guys take Edward out two nights before his wedding. Some embarrassing things happen and some interesting questions are answered. Funny light one shot.


**Okay, I'm writing this because I was challenged to. I don't know how well it's turned out but you can tell me what you think. I think it's pretty funny. This is the first time I've done anything in Emmett's point of view as well. **

**I've been told I have to state the conditions of the challenge so let me do that. First off, this was done at Holly's request. (sorry, I forgot your sn lol) And I have to embarrass the hell out of poor Edward. I have to mention the women but not have them in the story itself. (Okay, I bent this one a little. Only a little. It's worth it though.). Jasper has to screw with Edward too as he goes through this embarrassing situation of asking certain questions. It also have to include these three lines:**

**I'm entitled not to care, right?**

**I doubt Rosalie ever says that.**

**So, how much trouble am I in?**

**So, I tried my best. Tell me what you think. I think it's pretty funny myself. **

I smiled wickedly at my poor virgin of a brother. He would be getting married in two days. It was my duty as his brother, and a man, to have him a little party.

"I am not going to a strip club!" Edward growled loudly at me.

I looked over to Jasper who grinned at me. He was thinking the same thing I was, I could tell. "Well, I'm entitled to not care, right? Since I'm the best man I get to plan out your bachelor party." Jasper said with a smug little grin.

"Please, don't make me do this." Edward practically whimpered.

"Sorry son, you're going." Carlisle said as he came down the stairs.

The look of defeat on Edward's face was hilarious. I could practically hear his venom boil with anger. The beating I'd receive later was well worth it.

"But, dad..." He whined like a child.

Carlisle pulled out four fake IDs and handed them out then patted Edward on the shoulder. "So, shall we?"

I drove two hundred miles an hour to Seattle. If I drove any slower I think Edward would have changed his mind and jumped out of the car. I'd be surprised if he didn't find a way out of the club when we got there.

He groaned loudly when he saw the sign "The Deja Vu." I felt like a kid in a candy store. It had been close to a decade since I'd gotten to visit a strip club. Rosalie was never to keen on them.

I gladly payed the pretty lady at the counter for the champagne room for the night. Carlisle and Jasper were holding either one of Edward's arms. "Come on Eddie, you're the only man in history who doesn't want to see naked women."

"I want to see a nude woman, my wife. Now, if you'll excuse me." He tried to jerk away from my father and brother but failed. Carlisle grinned brightly. They practically carried him to the room. We were still alone in there but I had a feeling that wouldn't last too long when the girls figured out that I carried fives, not ones.

"So, Eddie, do you have any questions? I mean, I do understand this will be a very confusing time for you... Do you need any advice on how to work that thing?" I pointed at his pants.

Edward scoffed loudly and rolled his eyes as he plopped down into a plush chair. "No, thank you. I think I've got enough mental images to figure it out on my own."

"Oh, really? Well, maybe we should tell you some stuff to pass onto Bella? See, there's this thing that Alice does where she bends over and..." Jasper started with a big grin.

"Stop!" Edward groaned.

"Oh, I know that thing you're talking about Jazz. But, you see Rosalie does this thing where she grabs her ankles and-"

"Please, you are sick perverted pigs. That includes you too, Carlisle." My brother sneered.

"I didn't say a thing." My father defended loudly raising his hands up in the air.

"You were thinking it!" Edward nearly shouted. "And, Jasper, stop trying to make me more uncomfortable on purpose!"

Jasper chuckled and looked away sheepishly. Edward glowered at him. I could tell he was ready to beat us all three down into the ground.

Just then a beautiful busty blond girl came in wearing nothing but a g-string, a bandanna and some cowboy boots. She couldn't have had better timing. She slithered over into Jasper's lap. "Hi there, honey." She said with a thick southern accent.

"Wow, Jazz, didn't know you could special order... I'll take two red heads, completely naked with a side of brunette." I grinned playfully. They all ignored me, as usual.

"Actually, he's the one getting married." Jasper hitched his thumb over at Edward. His eyes grew big as the girl set her sights on him. The girl slid onto his lap, straddling his waist.

"What's your name, handsome?"

"Edward." He swallowed hard. I laughed as the confident exterior melted away and he became a nervous seventeen year old boy.

"What an old fashion name. I like it. I'm Amber." She ground herself onto his lap and his eyes went wider.

I couldn't contain my laughter as I almost fell out of the chair at his expression. Even Carlisle was chuckling.

"Thank you... Amber. But, no offense, as beautiful as you are, I'm in love with a wonderful girl and I don't feel this is appropriate." Edward tried to tell her as she slithered up and down his chest, letting her breast brush against him.

She pouted for a minute when he gentle took her shoulder and sat her on the chair next to him.

"You know what, darling? I won't turn you away." I told her with a smile. She smiled back brightly and came to sit on my lap.

"Aw! It's so nice to have such a sweet handsome man like you around." She said in a baby voice as I slipped a five into her "bra".

"I bet Rosalie never says that." Jasper whispered loudly to Edward. Ed raised his eyebrow and smirked a little bit.

"What?" I inquired quietly.

"I'm going to tell Rose." He said proudly.

"You wouldn't." I dared him with my voice, narrowing on him.

I, of course, didn't tell Rosalie what we were doing tonight, just that we were going out. She'd just get upset that I was looking at other women.

Edward's eyes narrowed even more. _Shit_. I'd given him all the information he needed to get him the hell out of here. I sighed loudly and handed the girl two hundred dollars for her trouble. "Another time, sweetie."

Edward nearly strutted out of the club, proud of himself for getting out of here without violence. I huffed as I sat in the jeep. I looked into the rear view mirror to look at him.

"So, how much trouble am I in?" I asked.

"None, if you answer some of my questions without making fun of me." He told me seriously.

"What are your questions, Edward?" Carlisle asked, not even giving me a chance to tease him.

"What was it like the first time, well, you know..." He trailed off, the teenager making it's appearance again.

I thought back to my wedding night with Rosalie, buck naked on the bed as we played with...

"Enough! Okay I get the idea..." Edward turned his face away towards the window. If he could have blushed he would have.

"Any other questions?" Jasper said with a small smile. I could tell he'd been thinking about a few dirty things himself. Lucky Edward, I'd be a bigger pervert than I am now if I had his power.

"Is there anything I shouldn't do?"

I thought back to the time Rosalie and I used motor oil to...

"UGH! NEVERMIND!" He shouted.

"What? We're not teasing you?" I asked confused.

"There are still things I don't what to know about. I'll just get a book or look on line or something." He muttered as he ran his fingers through his wild hair.

"Oo! Eddie's looking up porn!"

"Shut up, Emmett! And, my name is Edward." He growled loudly. I knew I'd also pay for this later but it was so worth it.

By this time we were pulling up to the garage. Inside Rosalie was in her grimy blue jeans and a tank top. No bra either. I glanced down at her chest."

"Pig." Edward muttered as he passed.

"What was that about?" Rose asked, confusion coloring her sexy tone.

"Nothing, nothing. But, I was wondering... Do you have any cowboy boots?"

**So, what do you think? By the way, there is a strip club here by that name. Hehe I've been there before, as a gift to my husband. (Hell, I had to fun too, I won't lie) Well the prettiest girl in the club was dancing on stage and husband made me go sit up to watch her. She was writhing on stage and stopped when she saw me. She smiled really big and went "Hey, aren't you Jay?" We went to school together. I almost died lol. By the end of the night we were chatting about how to lose weight using stripper shoes. Sorry, just had to bring up that story.**

**Also, if you want a little laugh look up twilight torture on youtube made by me, Jayeliwood. Comment and tell me what you think.**

**So, is it terrible? Am I horrible at comedy? I think I'm better at romance... **


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